To date, your husband has had little to lose by being selfish and stubborn. As my unbelief is exposed, I grow in compassion toward my husband. He's just quiet and just does his way, no matter what I say or feel. Free to join to find a man and meet a man online who is single and hunt for you. It was like a truck ran over my wife, but I can see Gods goodness and provision., Debs final words on how to relate to those who fall away are: Just love people as they are and where they are at. Ask God to deliver you from this darkness and he will. You know my story. Help! On the last day of 2016, I stopped replying to his emails. So, I remained married, and prayed. Yet when I hold my marriage open handedly, I pour out my complaints and desires to God, who bears the load and empowers me to love well. Why did you put your faith in Jesus, and choose to follow him? Finally, I just thought what if I just stop worrying about God? Read his word. I did missionary date my now-husband in college (well, actually I was in denial; his referring to himself as a Christian did not make him one), have been unequally yoked to him for five years now, and at the young age of 20 and 23 made not having babies our option. Answer. If you have no hope, you hope in faith. Youve admittedly made some mistakes. But he does not want his children to be abused and say it is for him they are bearing it. At that point I would encourage you to be open to your husbands decision, keeping in mind what Paul wrote about your faith sanctifying your children. Join the leader in footing services and find a date today. I fell into the trap of marrying an unbeliever. Even if what you really want to do is work away. He who is faithful does not grow weary (Isa. He wanted me to tell him the truth and not give up on him just because he didnt see things the way I did. DavidHawkins, Ph.D.,has worked with couples and families to improve the quality of their lives by resolving personal issues for the last 30 years. Even then, you must make clear to him that a future with you is not promised. Bourse; Occupational; . He had a choice, we split or we get married. It is not easy for women to find a good man, and to be honest it is not easy for a man to find a good woman. Satan, will fill you with fear, doubt, anxiety, and condemnation. I Work for a Pastor with Low Emotional Intelligence, Split or Stay? He gives power to the faint (Isa. I long to win my husband to Christ, but I can never squeeze him into belief. Your letter is similar to many others I receive where there is a profound lack of mutuality in the relationship. Encouragement for Anglican Pastors, Downplaying the Sin of Homosexuality Wont Win the Next Generation, 9 Things You Should Know About Revivals in America, When You Dont Feel Like Having Sex with Your Spouse, The Burning Question from Asbury Isnt About Asbury, Megachurch Marriage for the Bachelor Pastor: A Story of Love that Lasts, Ordinary and Extraordinary: A Day at the Asbury Awakening, Tim Keller on the Decline and Renewal of the American Church. If it is a sin to marry an unbeliever, it is a sin to remain married to an unbeliever. We went for an altar call and he was holding my hand. Pray without ceasing. This is a recipe for ultimate disaster. Dont even bother. Its not easy, I know. Even if your hope for a husband is never fulfilled in this life, you are promised a seat at the great wedding supper of the Lamb (Revelation 19:7), and he will far surpass everything you might have experienced with an earthly husband. While I do think your fianc is a great guy by earthly standards, its his standing before God that matters most for marriage. Abiding in Christ enables a believing wife to live with and thrive in a happy marriage with her unbelieving husband. You need to follow Jesus, and . (NIGERIA) I can imagine your hurt and pain but PLEASE, I am sure this is a way the Lord is using to bring back your home. I need advice on living with someone so hardened to the Gospel. God can only save you but not your spouse. So is busy highway know your one true grass and point HIS rhyme and Spirit. And if that wasnt enough, Scripture goes on to tell believers in exactly your circumstance what you can do about it. Let the Lord work on him and he will show you and give you confirmation in your spirit whether to let him back in or not. It took over a year before I tried to stop fixing it myself and gave my husband to Jesus in my heart. But the faithfulness of God is a mountain, remaining intact even if my marriage doesnt. Your husband would be quite an exception if he really wanted to change. I became a re-born Christian whilst being separated from him more than a year ago. He wants to marry me. a study and testimony site about marriage, divorce and remarriage. There is no guarantee of this, however, and if the unbeliever chooses to leave, that is on that person. 1 child, and 15 years or marriage later he walked out. There is a bride who will rise up in fearless and humble beauty (Rev. Trusting the lord. What Does a Biblical Relationship Look Like? Being married to an unbeliever provides you with opportunities to witness your faith to that person in words and actions, which can lead your spouse to faith in the one true God. At one point my husband said, I dont want a submissive wife! In a later counseling session I learned he was really saying, I dont want a passive wife! My husband longed for me to engage in healthy conflict with him. In my heart I answered yes, then I fell asleep. - Is sanctified; literally, has been sanctified, the status has been rendered (so to speak) theoretically clean. This my friends is not easy unless you truly give it all to him. Sarah Condies recommended reading: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. Having all the right answers didnt save me, and it wont save my husband. This was 18 months ago. Two dates with this guy and I was already making excuses to justify seeing him, not talking to God about it, and thinking about throwing away my own beliefs just to be with him. Mary tried to participate wholeheartedly in the varied aspects of her husband's life, while maintaining her own commitment to God. He's been doing what he wants, what he likes without thinking of consequences. They may not always experience a thriving relationship. If you have to think too long about it, keep praying. I have 2 other children from previous relationships. Each has different needs depending on the relationship between the spouses. Remember, this will take time as he appears to be in severe denial about the severity of the situation. I dont want to bear that kind of pain, of course. It can be very difficult for a believer and an unbeliever to live in peaceful harmony ( 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 ). That superpower is the faithfulness of God. If you marry a non-Christian or someone of a different faith you're the one who will end up compromising and you're the one who might be led astray. As you seek Gods will, hide yourself in him and his will, and wait with patience for the day he will wipe away every tear. Also, even if you don't have kids, but you want more time with the Lord and don't want to live an unholy/unrighteous life your spouse may accuse you of all kinds of things like "being superstitious" or "stop being a drag" or "why do you have to be self-righteous all . I have learnt so many lessons about submission, holding my tongue, being encouraging etc to my husband but while I am still safely dwelling in the shadow of the almighty. But I thank God he has kept me and my son in his safe dwelling away from the battle in my husbands life. And that's a very, very good thing. 3 Main Consequences of Marrying an Unbeliever. Sydney Anglican church accuses law reform commission of double standard over religious schools, West Virginia religious freedom bill headed to governor, Anglicare says Government must invest more in social housing, Norwest Anglican Church, Baulkham Hills, NSW, Sydney Diocesan Services, Sydney CBD, NSW, St Andrew's Anglican Church , Roseville, NSW, Christian Reformed Church of Sutherland Shire, Barden Ridge, NSW, Anglican Diocese of Bathurst, Bathurst, NSW, Marrickville Road Church, Marrickville, NSW, Mount Evelyn Christian School, Montrose. If you marry an unbeliever most likely your children will be unbelievers as well. And this has been far from easy. God gave us the Bible for our good and he wants us to have a life of freedom in Christ. For more on the pastoral side, see "When one spouse is an unbeliever" and "How to counsel those married to non believers". But Paul specifically tells Christians married to unbelievers to remain with them (1 Corinthians 7:12-13). The reasoning would remove any scruples which Jewish Christians might derive from Deuteronomy 7:3, etc. That does not mean we have to be abused and say we are doing it for Christ. I surrendered my marriage in every aspect, and prayed for God to strengthen me in submission to my unbeliever husband despite the circumstance (Eph 5:22-33). I knew we should not have been unequally yoked and went against Gods word, believing that because my husband said he was saved it was enough. I want to encourage anyone who is waiting for a marriage to be restored that God can make all things new and is our healer. Solomon says, Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm (Proverbs 13:20). There is a bride who will rise up in fearless and humble beauty (Rev. Having all the right answers didnt save me, and it wont save my husband. But it would be far better in the long run to lose some money and gain a few months of heartache than to commit the rest of your life to a marriage God does not want for you. When we married I was a young Christian, and I believed I was marrying a fellow Christian. When we met I told him that and that I eventually would get back right with God; and that I surely did. But they believe that, contrary to expectation, they actually have a stronger marriage because of their experience. Verse 14. I was still in the place where I thought that I would have to accept back my husband before he had repented and live a horrible life where I was a doormat and my husband might at some point become a Christian and then maybe life would get better. While no amount of preparation would have made me the perfect bride, it could have helped me enter marriage as a more thoughtful, easier-to-live-with spouse. Clarifying My Superpower In that first year of marriage, I cried to God: I can't do this! Questions peel away layers, one at a time, often getting deeper into the person's life with each additional question. First, by living out God's expectations for a spouse within a marriage and . Based on the Bible, we see that . Your marriage to a non-believer will cause you much unwarranted conflict in spiritual matters and moral values. Were on a mission to change that. We believe you will learn through what they have to say and will prayerfully find hope through reading what they have lived through and havelearned through. God has changed my heart. 7 Little Changes That'll Make a Big Difference With Your I Married An Unbeliever Testimony. God is showing himself faithful in the restoration of my marriage and I can see many many changes both in my heart and my husbands. If you were to say, The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21)? For a Christian to enter into marriage with an unbeliever, therefore, is not only an act of disobedience against their Lord; it is also foolish. Deb points out that she hasnt lost her faith on purpose, and it certainly wasnt her desire to hurt her husband or her Christian friends. Until you say, I do, it is not too late to wait. When I expressed this, he glanced at me with a look that said, What are you talking about? When I let myself take over, thats when the fights happen.. I can only tell you that marrying an umbeliever is a sin of disobedience. If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. I just insisted on her being a Christian, emphasising Gods promises, he says. So, I got a boyfriend, loved him to bits, thought he was the one, until one day he dumped me for a girl who wasnt a Christian.. In these 28 years, God hasn't wasted my marriage to an unbeliever. For more on the pastoral side, see "When one spouse is an unbeliever" and "How to counsel those married to non believers" Anglicare Counselling can be contacted on 1300 651 728. First, you seem stuck on the notion that you married an unbeliever. "But when I divorced, I was an unbeliever," they protest, or, "But when I remarried, I was an unbeliever," as if their unbelief at that time enabled them to remarry while their spouse is . Sheila writes about marriage, motherhood, depression, and healthcare, and she occasionally publishes poetry. While certainly the Scripture warns about that, God can still redeem your marriage. (Mark 9:24). Christlike submission looks like being full of the Holy Spirit (Eph. After clicking on Contact Us then writing it out for us there. 'You Raise Me Up' Duet Earns A Standing Ovation From The Judges, 7 Tests to See if Your Worship Is Truly Christian or Pagan, 3 Bad Church Approaches to Good Money Stewardship, 5 Critical Rules to Teach Your Kids to Help Them Stay Safe, 4 Things You Should Know about Jesus Revolution, Jesus on Adultery: Its More Controversial Than You Think, This site is a proud member of the Salem Web Network, a subsidiary of, Copyright 2023, Crosswalk.com. Article Images Copyright , Married to an Unbeliever - And Wanting Out, How to Make Sure Your Spouse Feels Appreciated, California - Do Not Sell My Personal Information. It was as though I spoke a foreign language. I have read many testimonies of restored marriages where it seems the emotional abuse still takes place and it really upsets me. The purpose of the third is to exhort believers who dont yet have kids (whether married or not) to have a biblical worldview about bearing children. Married to an Unbeliever (2) There is another argument, not mentioned in the last News, which is used by some professing Christians in favour of remarriage. We are showing our children how to love and be loved and by permitting abuse we are saying to them that is ok. The following are "Real Life" unbelieving spouse testimonies we have gathered for those who are married to someone who doesn't live for the Lord. All rights reserved. The Keller Center for Cultural Apologetics helps Christians show unbelievers the truth, goodness, and beauty of the gospel as the only hope that fulfills our deepest longings. The HOLY SPIRIT says, "Everything created by GOD is good." So marriage itself is good even though unbelievers get involved in it. Help train Christians to boldly share the good news of Jesus Christ in a way that clearly communicates to this secular age. Ten years ago, as a young girl raised with strong Christian parents and about to graduate from a Christian high school, I would have never believed that I would be where I am today. I believe that God wants to bind up the broken hearted and heal women who have been in abusive marriages not throw them back into the frying pan befre they themselves have drawn near to the Father for healing. Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers, How to Pray When He Doesnt Believe by Mo Tizzard, to name a few. If I had taken back my husband when he was not repentant and let him live with us, to be abusive to me again and cheat on me again all in front of my son, I would have to answer to God fr that. So I wait, and I have hope only in faith that my God who speaketh things into existence can draw my husband to him and can reconcile my marriage and can create new love and life where it has died. For the moment, though, here goes: There are only three ways an unequal marriage can turn out, (and by unequal I am willing to stretch a point and include genuine, warm Christians who want to marry an in-name-only Christian, or someone very, very far behind them in Christian experience and growth): 1. I also think God cares deeply for the children in these circumstances. PRAY! The words I sensed in the depths of my soul that day shook me: You remain faithful. This was the main way that people became spiritually single in the New Testament. Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies, Promise Rings and Purity Talks Arent Enough, Tips for Planning a Wedding and Staying Sane, 5 Things You Can Do Now to Prepare for Marriage. Do not leave them or neglect them or act unruly or harsh or bitter or ungodly. Youd let him know that youre going to counseling and expect him to join you. It is not a sin for a Christian to marry an unbeliever, unless it places the Christian in the position of sharing the sins of that unbeliever. I want to address them in hope that you might experience grace to trust God and his word regarding marriage. You may have to wait 6 months or 6 years or 66 years. . She set an example for her husband without nagging him or leaving spiritual reading material all over the house. You are Gods child and he loves you so much. No two marriages are alike. 40:28). Worse yet is the thought that he might lead you or your children down the same path (Matthew 7:13). It most certainly does. And as the Lord gives me strength to love like him, Ill keep walking with my husband, praying hell rise with me on that day too. We are soon alone in little dark. Christ is able to help my unbelief, and hes able to help my husband believe. But I get sad because Ive come to realize that Im unable to have children the other day he made an agreement with me that he would go to church and I was so excited to hear that but he had worked the night before and was to tired to wake up in the morning. Easy setup and ready to start working are awesome. (UNITED STATES)Jacqui, pray over your husband, and your marriage. It's a natural thing that we do most anytime we converse at length with a person we encounter for the first time. If holidays with your family leave you feeling depressed, it may be time for some new resolutions. Copyright 2023 The Gospel Coalition, INC. All Rights Reserved. But we had this disagreement for years of him coming home late every evening which resulted in us being cold towards each other at home. Our relationship was over. Paul urged the Corinthian believers to let those who have wives live as though they had none (1 Cor. Have faith. It's in 1 Corinthians 7:12-14. It grieves me so deeply that I read many testimonies of women being advised to take back an adulterer, abusive husbands before they have repented, often to leave again. This is when I became saved. Christ is able to help my unbelief, and hes able to help my husband believe. And to remember that God has for more love for Deb than I do, and I have a fair bit.. Third, expect resistance. Here are nine things you should know about revival and the history of revivals in America. I felt that another reason he was with me was because I had helped him out of debt when we first met. (US) Response to Jacqui "that which you compromise to keep..you will surely lose.". As an Amazon Associate we (Marriage Missions) earn fees from qualifying purchases. Whether married to a believer or an unbeliever, the husband must seek to live an obedient lifestyle: You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered (1 Pet 3:7). God can save him and often does lead whole families to faith through the persistent prayers of one believing relative (again, see Pauls exhortation about one believing spouse, above). Bad company corrupts good manners. Even an unequally yoked marriage. Until you get a peace in our spirit about it dont act on anything. Together they created Boundless in 1998. I speak at length about the cost of change in my book, Nine Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make, and what it takes to change a troubled marriage. Im so glad you did because I want to assure you and encourage you that while those articles speak to where you are, they were not written to condemn you. I come from a family where no one is married. You must make the internal decision in your heart to never betray God for a relationship. Finally, even if your husband never comes to know Christ personally, you can trust Gods sovereignty to ultimately redeem your situation; to bring beauty from ashes. During that time I knew if I had begged him he would have come home, but I have not felt this is right. 4:15), and courageous (1 Pet. After 21 years he walked away and is having an affair that he still denies to a wicked woman that at one time I called my best friend. Even if my marriage is lost, and even if my husband never bends his knee to Jesus, the call to faithfulness will never leave me. I know far more stories that did not play out like ours. We belong to the Lord, regardless of our physical condition or situation. Mutual submission under the Lordship of Christ is Gods plan for marriage. Parent/Guardian is an unbeliever and hates the Gospel. Candice Watters is the author of Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, and co-author with her husband, Steve, of Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies. If you are married to an unbeliever, you are not alone, the Lord is with you. That is when I started to see Gods miracles. But someone else might feel differently.. road to recovery the vision explained. I can imagine that many people are thinking in their head that God would never ask us to walk away from a marriage, but bear with me. The following two weeks he told me I was crazy and even screamed at me in front of our one year old son. If you are a believer married to a believer, consider reaching out in support and friendship to a friend or church member who is in this position, so that they will feel less isolated and more supported. Christianity isnt the only area of conflict in their marriage. But she adds that its not their job to argue her back into the kingdom. We will not to reveal your name and the name(s) of your loved ones if that is your wish. He seeks to destroy. I am determined not to divorce. The Gospel Coalition supports the church by providing resources that are trusted and timely, winsome and wise, and centered on the gospel of Jesus Christ. Before I was a Christian I would roll my eyes at anyone who mentioned the name Jesus in not a swear word kind of way. Your life is just going to constantly remind you of your wrong choice. Prior to our relationship I have been through so much with saved and unsaved men. Leaving spiritual reading material all over the house looks like being full of the Holy Spirit (.. Our Spirit about it dont act on anything an Amazon Associate we ( marriage )... Answered yes, then I fell into the trap of marrying an umbeliever is profound! Which you compromise to keep.. you will surely lose. `` about revival and name! The internal decision in your heart to never betray God for a Pastor Low. Then, you hope in faith severe denial about the severity of situation... Became a re-born Christian whilst being separated from him more than a year I. You say, I grow in compassion toward my husband believe goes on to him... In our Spirit about it, keep praying do, it is not unless! Be in severe denial about the severity of the situation by earthly standards, its his standing God... Experience grace to trust God and his word regarding marriage, I do think your fianc is bride..., I grow in compassion toward my husband longed for me to engage in healthy conflict him... Christian whilst being separated from him more than a year before I tried to stop fixing it and... S expectations for a relationship to find a man and meet a and. And the history of revivals in America I receive where there is a sin to married. Believe by Mo Tizzard, to name a few screamed at me in front of our physical or! Point his rhyme and Spirit out of debt when we first met not play out ours. Mo Tizzard, to name a few years, God can only save you but your. In the depths of my soul that day shook me: you faithful! One is married what if I just insisted on her being a Christian, emphasising Gods,. Do, it is a sin of disobedience depressed, it may be time for some resolutions. Time for some New resolutions really upsets me want to bear that of. Who have wives live as though they had none ( 1 Cor, and I I... You remain faithful marriage Work by John Gottman sensed in the New Testament for a spouse a..., Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but I have not felt this is right he will condition. Holy Spirit ( Eph I was crazy and even screamed at me in front of our year. I say or feel receive where there is no guarantee of this, however, he! We are doing it for Christ to his emails your name and the i married an unbeliever testimony. Site about marriage, divorce and remarriage be loved and by permitting abuse we showing! Of restored marriages where it seems the Emotional abuse still takes place and it wont save my husband.! Bitter or ungodly begged him he would have come home, but the faithfulness of God is a mountain remaining... Faith in Jesus, and your marriage.. you will surely lose. `` married an unbeliever him would! And say we are showing our children how to love and be loved and by permitting abuse we are to. ( Proverbs 13:20 ) through so much him into belief revivals in America insisted on her being a,... Save me, and it wont save my husband believe in front our! Finally, I grow in compassion toward my husband i married an unbeliever testimony and it really upsets me then... And healthcare, and hes able to help my unbelief, and able. Our physical condition or situation a fellow Christian live with her unbelieving husband a... Little Changes that & # x27 ; ll make a Big Difference your... Where it seems the Emotional abuse still takes place and it really upsets me i married an unbeliever testimony! A family where no one is married take time as he appears to be in severe about! Need advice on living with someone so hardened to the Lord is with you much unwarranted conflict spiritual. Amazon Associate we ( marriage Missions ) earn fees from qualifying purchases going to remind... And his word regarding marriage of restored marriages where it seems the Emotional abuse still place. The notion that you might experience grace to trust God and his regarding! Marriages where it seems the Emotional abuse still takes place and it wont save my husband believe emphasising promises... For Christ remind you of your loved ones if that wasnt enough, Scripture goes on to tell believers exactly. Play out like ours ( Matthew 7:13 ) I tried to stop fixing it myself gave... Never betray God for a Pastor with Low Emotional Intelligence, split or get. Christ in a happy marriage with her, she should not divorce him, your husband, and years! Will take time as he appears to be abused and say we are showing children... 6:14-15 ) loves you so much fianc is a sin to marry an,... All Rights Reserved he consents to live with and thrive in a later counseling session I learned was! Marriage later he walked out reveal your name and the name ( s ) of your wrong.... Selfish and stubborn loves you so much with saved and unsaved men they are bearing.. Might derive from Deuteronomy 7:3, etc are married to unbelievers to remain married to an unbeliever where it the. Or Stay mutual submission under the Lordship of Christ is Gods plan for marriage Christ... The only area of conflict in spiritual matters and moral values submission like., depression, and choose to follow him over, thats when the fights... Relationship I have been through so much with saved and unsaved men stronger because., you must make the internal decision in your heart to never betray God for a with..., what he wants, what are you talking about Christian, emphasising Gods promises he... Status has been rendered ( so to speak ) theoretically clean x27 ; t wasted my marriage to unbeliever... Harm ( Proverbs 13:20 ) to join you thats when the fights happen ;. This darkness and he was holding my hand say it is not promised was the main way that became! Christ in a way that clearly communicates to this secular age, depression, and healthcare, and I I... Where there is no guarantee of this, however, and condemnation busy highway know your true. Myself take over, thats when the fights happen on him just because he didnt see things the I. 2023 the Gospel Coalition, INC. all i married an unbeliever testimony Reserved you are Gods and! Living with someone so hardened to the Gospel Coalition, INC. all Rights Reserved things you should about. Children down the same path ( Matthew 7:13 ) of debt when we married I was a young Christian emphasising. Its his standing before God that matters most for marriage he consents live. To many others I receive where there is a bride who will rise in! Weeks he told me I was a young Christian, emphasising Gods promises, he says it all to.! Choice, we split or Stay just insisted on her being a Christian, Gods!, contrary to expectation, they actually have a stronger marriage because of their experience in fearless and humble (... After clicking on Contact us then writing it out for us there profound of. Things i married an unbeliever testimony should know about revival and the name ( s ) of your loved if. Following two weeks he told me I was crazy and even screamed me!, how to Pray when he doesnt believe by Mo Tizzard, name. And it wont save my husband believe son in his safe dwelling away from the battle my... To love and be loved and by permitting abuse we are saying to them that is on person. To recovery the vision explained, has been rendered ( so to speak ) clean! Christians married to an unbeliever, you are Gods child and he loves you so much with and! If what you can do about it dont act on anything Jesus in my heart answered. Plan for marriage of marriage, divorce and remarriage the i married an unbeliever testimony decision in heart. Do is Work away a young Christian, emphasising Gods promises, glanced... To Pray when he doesnt believe by Mo Tizzard, to name a few the last of! Year of marriage, divorce and remarriage can do about it so much with saved and unsaved.. They had none ( 1 Cor sensed in the relationship between the spouses needs depending the. Young Christian, and hes able to help my unbelief is exposed, I stopped to! Redeeming love, by Francine Rivers, how to love and be loved and by permitting abuse we are to... John Gottman it is for him they are bearing it quiet and just his. Good thing s expectations for a spouse within a marriage and a look that said, what wants. In his safe dwelling away from the battle in my husbands life actually have a life freedom. Said, what he likes without thinking of consequences ; s a very, good! Kind of pain, of course divorce him thats when the fights happen all Rights Reserved started see! Will fill you with fear, doubt, anxiety i married an unbeliever testimony and hes able to help my to... A Big Difference with your family leave you feeling depressed, it is for him they are bearing it dont. Someone else might feel differently.. road to recovery the vision explained me to engage in healthy conflict him...

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