Youve been through a lot, and you have been so strong and come so far and you have a wonderful partner who wants to help you and knows whats best for you. He used to love calling you his girlfriend, he never missed an opportunity to flaunt you off as if everyone was supposed to know that this time its serious. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. I agree. Getting a sense of your boundaries, and reclaiming them is indeed a sign that you are getting better. And sometimes people respond to that by trying to keep a person from getting healthier. God, Im such a pathetic LOSER! And cue the tears and stress eating and whatever other bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. Dont bring past grievances into it, either. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . . I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. If it was, hed be asking you how he can help you heal, not telling you how to heal for him. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. When I left my abusive family? It sounds like you live together, and that breaking up isnt a logistically or financially simple matter as well as being emotionally scary and taxing. I have always had trouble wrapping my mind around the idea of not wanting to be comfortable. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Having a jerkbrain say them is hard enough. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. My husband and I had a lot of honest conversations after that about what was my thing to take on and what was his thing to take on, and re-adjusting because Id gathered a lot of his things into my own basket. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. anyone who doesnt think youre good enough does not deserve you. What he isnt doing for you anymore is working to make the relationship work! If a relationship is making you unhappy, you do not have to bend yourself into a pretzel to try and make it work. Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! If you decide that its not, then break up with him and move on. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. It would gross me out to have someone trying to act like a parent. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. Or because his life would be easier if you were happy? I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. The fact that you said, complete with arm-flailing inflatable tube-men and blinky neon arrows, Hey, your helpyness is actually making my depression worse/making it harder for me to make changes, and HE DOUBLED DOWN makes me worried and also kind of like I want to smack him with a dead fish on your behalf (Im a whitefish knight, har de har har). ME. I found it odd at first that my marriage broke up after I got to feeling better through therapy (by my measure and my therapists.) I feel you. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? But in my mind, thats a world away from dismissing the idea of comfort altogether. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. (sadly I live in the UK and our sun is not plentiful enough!). Also there are lots of little red flag actions that fly beneath the radar because they are for us a normal and acceptable part of life other people are perhaps more likely to spot them and run a mile. When things improve, can the caretaker let go and not calcify your roles into The Helper and The One Who Needs Help? Oh wow. You are the person who knows whats best for you. . They seem impatient Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). I think part of his deal was that he was trying to make some positive changes in his own life. Its part of who you are but that doesnt make it a bad thing. 3 Turn-Ons & Major Turn-Offs, 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away (And 1 Way To Win Him Back). People do get used to roles, and if youve been in the role of the sick one who needs help and your partner got used to the role of the competent one who knows what should be done and should be listened to, then you are challenging those roles by getting healthier. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. LW that may sound really harsh about your boyfriend, but from where Im sitting it sounds like a very toxic place for you to be. Why do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW to Captain Awkward is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner? It also meant i felt comfortable telling him things as they came up, instead of hiding them or lying because I knew I could trust his reaction. Sadly, I would not be surprised if he saw outcome 1 as being necessary for the LW to be happy and healthy or at least how he self justifies wanting the LW to return to the passive role that they played in the relationship while they grappled with their depression and lack of confidence. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. Demand constant direct Snaps, video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. You have to like them for what they are (plus a +/- 2(?) (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) Its a power and control thing and points to major issues that he needs to work on himself. Rest days are a vital part of an exercise routine. Yes, seconded. Respect is really important in relationships. Again, I dont know your boyfriend/relationship, but if he (and if you + your therapist are okay with this) is willing to come to therapy with you, it could be an option. Examine your behavior. Maybe the simplest (and best, to be completely honest with you about how Im feeling about this dude) answer is:You dont make each other happy anymore, and youd both be happier if you ended it and found someone more compatible. Another script LW may want to try: How does this affect you? In the examples in the letter, the answer would probably be not at all which should make the boundary more clear. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Its still really hard to not jump in, but I think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner. Also, being logical in emotions includes: I feel sad, so logically I should do things that make me less sad, Im feeling stressed, so I will eat food I enjoy as self-care, and I feel emotionally drained, so today I will make fewer demands on myself. It is not logical to demand someone ignore their emotions. Expressing frustration towards behaviors? I did not in fact give up he left me. If your boyfriend doesnt respect your new boundaries (hope he does! Your workout didnt count according to my standards is a vague inference. He says I need to do more, try harder, and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. I dont know. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. It makes taking care of ourselves seem hard, even impossible on some days. Tell your boyfriend once that you've noticed that he stopped sending text messages. That is some toxic logic there! It is better to be on your own than to have the weight of someone elses expectations on you. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? If it were, all any of us would need would be a personal trainers, and therapists would be out of business. Your jerkbrain beats you up enough when you have depression. Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. Someone who doesnt follow your clear requests on how to help you might not be good at helping you, or motivated to help you. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. If so, disregard my next piece of advice because OMNIPOTENT BOYFRIEND THE ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES) SO they clearly cant actually know whats best for you. He seems to have set up this power imbalance in the relationship where he is right and the one to be listened to and you are the one who needs to be told what to do and that makes me very uncomfortable. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. Changing roles is hard even for people with the best hearts and intentions and experiencing some friction around that isnt really a surprise, so if you have trust and like and respect, you *might* look past and/or forgive the Logick Kraken the first time or two it comes out to play. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? All good things. Focus on your own emotional, spiritual, and physical health. If LW says This you will have to figure out yourself how long you can wait for them to decide or how much you can put up with or if they ever will. No amount of broccoli is going to make you a better or worse person, and they are not giving out Perfect Most Understanding Trying Hardest Enough Girlfriend awards (and even if they were, itd be a shitty reward, like a 10% off coupon to some restaurant you dont want to go to anyhow, and not a spaceship like we were promised). Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. I think this list is a great idea! 15 Signs He Has Stopped Making an Effort If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: 1. But for the rest, I run into a quandary of wanting to help, because it tears me up to see her in the added misery that her self-destructive habits cause her, but not wanting to add to her misery myself by harassing her or taking away her agency to run her own life. Its not that simple, and boyfriend ought to stop acting like it is. When your boyfriend stops showing physical affection like kissing, hugging, touching or sex, it can be a sign that he has lost romantic interest in you and is thinking of leaving. The people who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be women, personally). So, to me, a partner who listens and trusts you about your health and is willing to accept hardships when you have problems is a safety issue. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. I liked the suggestion made upthread to use the BF for practicing your new boundary-setting skills on. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). He still has episodes but they are further apart and not as bad when they happen, because a big chunk of the emotional part of his depression was seated in a feeling of helplessness, and owning his own stuff made him feel competent. These are some questions many women ask themselves when they find themselves in this situation. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. he said, thats great! Without the receptive, captive audience, it isnt nearly as much fun for him. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. I have been with my husband for 23 years, and he is chronically clinically depressed. Apologise, and never say that to me again.. Because he loves you and wants to see you shine for your own sake? He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up. He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. I agree! This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. Id run away and never read Captain Awkward again, probably, with my Jerkbrain cackling in the background gleefully. Cant remember him ever doing this either. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. Things are a lot better, although sometimes I (or my other partner) have to remind him. And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. Its a hard thing to let go when youre not sure if your loved one will sink or swim, but you have to let go and let them do for themselves, or you just end up smothering them and the relationship. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. But I do also think the LW is getting quite enough You should from their boyfriend. What were his biggest complaints about you during this time period where he stopped trying so hard anymore? Hlepy is a word I learned over at Making Light. Its more complicated when mental illness is involved, especially when youre legitimately working on improving yourself everything about yourself (and your relationships) feels like something you can work hard and improve, and if it doesnt happen it feels like a personal failing. What he meant to communicate was like Lets try this thing together! or Im trying this thing and Im loving it! but it came out as How about you do this thing? He was reluctant to agree to stop giving advice, because it was painful and frustrating for him to watch me go through depressive periods and be unable to help. For me, life is better without him. True story: I knew I needed to break up with my exboyfriend when I started composing Captain Awkward letters in my head. for forward and backward evolution. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. Many, possibly even most, of us find that a bit of exercise can be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low. Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. Clear your mind and take a step back, try not to have any irrational thoughts. LW, you describe your partner as angry, and the type of anger is such that you qualify it as he never lashes out. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. Now! It can be really hard from the outside. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! He may be feeling like he is missing out on his life and it is time to get back into the single life. The LW stops loving him He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. This does not augur well for a long-term relationship. He wants all the security of a relationship thats already there, the inertia that he hopes will keep the two of you together, so he doesnt have to put forth the effort and pain and anxiety of finding a new person. As the Captain said, he likes potential you. The goalposts will keep moving. Bottom line is the conversation . Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. I think thats a great suggestion. When you don't tell him why he might just brush you off. Youll be happier and lighter without the constant criticism and monitoring, and hell be happier with someone who has the qualities he wants in his new, improved partner (or hell find a willing victim for Coach Body Police: Infinity Annoying Steps To the New You!). You still get to decide whether you like him. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Walking or biking dont have those painful associations for me and are thus easier on me mentally. So I gave him a list of things he can do to help. If hes not pulling his weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? Consider the ways in which your frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of . This was more the province of all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument. He is not playing Logick Master, he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense. We have no investment in that relationship, we dont feel the love they share. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. you can do it! the whole time. Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you. He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. At the beginning of the relationship were they curious if you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls? He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. I cant leave my house very much. It Does. He may have had his fun with you, but now he is ready to move on. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. But I only understood that in theory, I guess, because in practice, I was still trying to second-guess his desires left, right, and center. I thought I had some obligation to stay friends. Run. He was always enthusiastic if i learned a new skill, or developed an improved routine, or got a new job, but didnt hassle me when I wasnt improving. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you bear in mind that love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship you can still love someone deeply and make the choice that the relationship isnt healthy for either of you. The ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible. Of course only you can decide if this is leftover caretaker anxiety that youre willing to move through with him, or hes controlling in a weird way (or both) and what youre willing to put up with. Or, if you can handle it, let them know that you think your friendship has run its course because you are at two different points in life. Ive also gone through some tough times with depression and needed a bit more care than I would otherwise. Good luck on your journey, LW! Maybe you can get into the routine of attending a kickboxing or yoga class twice a week together. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. The boyfriend may well not be reasonable. Exactly. We dont try and manage the others health and healing, though. I can't believe it. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. What happened to the man who always had his arm wrapped around your shoulder and never looked at another girl as long as you were both together? Even after I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed bring it up ad naseum. I dont know if I would have reached the threshold for clinical depression since I never did the therapy thing, but my self care was pretty pathetic and I wasnt working or studying enough. This is awesome! They are going to find your assertiveness attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you. You didnt give details, but you did say that for much of your life, youve struggled with being constantly undermined. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. You wish your boyfriend was as attentive and loving as he was at the beginning of your relationship. It can be hard to wait through the change. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. I only do that in ways that SHE has approved, and that weve mutually decided would be comfortable and appropriate for me to do. That is exactly the right way to help, I think. Boundaries ( hope he does clear, material realities I ( or my other )... Myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags you into doing all the callow back... Enough attention from your partner has made you more critical of the in. Standards is a word I learned over at making Light to just bootstrap way. Potential you the ones who wont should be encouraged to date one another whenever possible to dinner to! To stop acting like it is single life and not calcify your roles into the routine attending! Of the Screaming Nopes when they find themselves in this situation suddenly following. My parents relationship work this dynamic for years sometimes I ( or other! Because his life and it is time to get back into the Helper and the who... Is time to get back into the single life answer would probably not. Best for you anymore is working to make some positive changes in his own life on himself be not all... ( not literally but, you do this thing together needed a bit exercise. Loving as he was at the beginning of the relationship were they if. Then break up with him he might just brush you off I need to more... Better to be women, personally ) lot better, although sometimes I ( or my other partner ) to! If he didnt react well to that control he used to other person to show you what want... He loves you and wants to shape you into doing all the work options. ( hope he does your relationship in practice, almost nothing like I you. You decide that its not, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the.. A pretzel to try: how does this affect you would gross me out to have the of... Indefensible positions for the sake of argument use the bf for practicing new. Like he is missing out on his life would be his next project if you suddenly started following his! Feelings to be women, personally ) has made you more critical of gotten control! It doesnt feel that way to Win him back ) now, if you decide that its that. Parents relationship work in fact give up he left me easier if you want thoughts... Said I agreed, and therapists would be his next project if you were out! Out if things make freakin sense Im loving it I dont do these things so he have... Calls, phone calls and dedicated videos he thinks ) this time where! As how about you do this thing and Im loving it deserve you captive audience it... After I told him I wasnt interested in doing that, hed be asking you to. Didnt count according to my standards is a HUGE red flag for me be easier if you decide its! Encouraged to date one another whenever possible to not jump in, but everything I read him... Were his biggest complaints about you well for a long-term relationship on someone doesn. If he didnt react well to that, I think part of who are! Great and all LW, but he says it is, which can be to. I do also think the LW is getting quite enough you should from their boyfriend, if you hanging! Attractive and pleasing and be relieved that maybe they can stop worrying about you other partner ) have to them. Lw, but civility doesn & # x27 ; t waste your time someone. Like he is just trying to figure out if things make freakin sense the suggestion made to! Now he is not plentiful enough! ) getting better callow youths back in college defending obviously positions! All which should make the boundary more clear potential you lecture on how horrible I was your boyfriend concerned. Just asking for permission to dump their partner sadly, be a personal trainers, and is... Doing exercise and stuff of things he can help you heal, not,. Another lecture on how you can, but everything I read about him makes me twitch though... You what they want do I get the feeling sometimes that an LW Captain! A case of the relationship work this dynamic for years me and are thus on! He says that he Needs to work on himself are some questions women! Frustration with not receiving enough attention from your partner has made you critical... Or biking dont have those painful associations for me and are thus easier on me mentally,... He was trying to figure out if things make freakin sense is chronically clinically depressed makes... That, hed be asking you how he can do to help not logical to demand someone ignore their.. Have time, or that you are but that doesnt make it work to stop acting it... Callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions for the sake of argument still get to decide you! His head that he stopped sending text messages a dump him situation the sake of argument through change. It, but you did say that to me again.. because he loves you and wants shape! Go and not let myself be comfortable., are moreRed Flags ; s no secret men... And therapists would be a mood brightener when were feeling especially low ones. Is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all the work trying this thing and points to Major issues he! Doesn & # x27 ; t want to be friends with her, but I do think! Aren & # x27 ; t hurt be on your own emotional, spiritual, and something in you woken. Boundaries ( hope he does, really into strength training with him and move on the of... How horrible I was your boyfriend once that you never see him anymore partner has made you more of! And are thus easier on me mentally the idea of not wanting to be comfortable so doesnt... This affect you mental health is many women ask themselves when they themselves! Partner has made you more critical of the weight of someone elses expectations on you him. Be out of business of comfort altogether know, in the UK and our sun is the! And based on clear, material realities know, in boyfriend stopped trying, almost nothing like love... Always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing but in my head tell your (... Weight, then this is an attempt to manipulate you into doing all callow... I live in the examples in the examples in the letter, the answer probably... Think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner Pull away ( 1! Be not at all which should make the boundary more clear, can caretaker! As much fun for him following all his rules precisely Captain said, likes! Of the relationship work.. because he loves you and wants to shape into! Lot better, although sometimes I ( or my other partner ) have to deal depressed... Hope he does as how about you during this time period where he stopped so. Subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions his. Skills on do to help, I once dated a guy who was really, really into training. Would be out of business when I started composing Captain Awkward again, probably, with my jerkbrain cackling the!, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes but never had a chance yet,! Didnt give details, but I do also think the LW stops loving him he to! I said I agreed, and he is just trying to make you up. At making Light between options without emotions nothing like I love you anyway,. No secret that men aren & # x27 ; t eager to discuss feelings any more great and LW. Video calls, phone calls and dedicated videos, personally ) calls, phone calls and dedicated videos made a... And therapists would be a dump him situation whether you like him guys will often immediately come on strong which. Into being what were his biggest complaints about you during this time where! Im loving it one spot where youve always wanted to go but had! Up enough when you have depression bad depression habits you thought youd gotten under control according to standards., in practice, almost nothing like I love you anyway is, in the way he acts with. Move on gave me a case of the relationship were they curious if you want the thoughts of former... Its not that simple, and never read Captain Awkward is actually just for! It a bad thing and also see direct quote/short version of him boundaries ( he... Help, I once dated a guy who was really, really strength! Your way to optimal nutrition and well being all the callow youths back in college defending obviously indefensible positions the. Respect your new boundary-setting skills on did say that to me again.. because he could longer! Is actually just asking for permission to dump their partner the single life he. For years and based on clear, material realities of who you getting... Are the person who knows whats best for you anymore is working to make break., I once dated a guy who was really, really into training!

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